The Flashbacks

Is it actually possible to recover?  The flashbacks… they keep coming back.  Everything was gone, and the only living things around were Coco and Rosi.  It was two weeks before the start of a new program, because a new start was necessary.  Everything from the past needed to be forgotten, and starting a new program was supposed to accomplish this.  A fresh start.  A light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

But the tunnel was dark, and cold.  The heart was completely ripped out, by those who put the heart there in the first place.  Coco and Rosi were there as life supports, and they did a great job in sustaining whatever was left of this life.  I screamed for help, but there was no help.  I was not a priority.  I was never a priority.

That was almost 4 years ago.  But why is it still very vivid?  The courthouse.  Finding out certain things that I wished I had never heard from them with my own ears.  Walking to some room by myself to do some recording and sign some paper, ultimately meaning that I will never get to see kin again after that moment.  And being asked if I needed more time as I hesitated for too long.  Then packing survival bag for kin.  Couldn’t be too heavy to carry, but must have all the essential items for survival.  Then getting calls asking about where he was.  I don’t know.  I will never know.  I thought I would never know.

But I remained strong, because I had no other choice.  I can still help myself, because I am a priority to myself.  And I did a good job, along with my life supports.  As long as you haven’t lost yourself, you have not lost everything.  People are dangerous, especially those who are supposedly closest to you.  They were cruel.  Very cruel.  But that was partly your fault for being naive and believing that you could change the way they look at you if you were better.  But they had already put a label on you the day you were born.

And here I am, back at this place, to overcome some fear, only to be exposed to constant triggers.  They want to see me suffer, but they will not.  They will only see me become successful, which would be the greatest disappointment to them.

I am like Ruby from this RWBY promo video.  A great loss only means more energy and more strength to defeat demons.  Deaths from the live supports (Coco, Rosi, Molly, Keewi) only meant even more energy and strength to defeat whatever more demons there will be.

Fun fact: This video was published one day after I met Coco and Rosi.

Red like roses fills my dreams and brings me to the place you rest
White is cold and always yearning, burdened by a royal test
Black the beast descends from shadows
Yellow beauty burns gold

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