Written on: December 1, 2011
Ever since I’ve known him, he has been the most wonderful and flawless guy I have ever met. He is so nice to everyone, always willing to help others. He doesn’t do drugs nor alcohol, doesn’t have sex everywhere and all the time with anyone. He never lies, always genuine, and basically sets a good example for myself to correct my own faults too. He is great, and I couldn’t help but constantly remind myself how fortunate and happy I am that I’ve met him!
I mean, of all the jerks out there – because there are so many of them who just love playing with a girl’s mind for their own ego boost – a guy as wonderful as him is extremely rare. What are the odds of meeting a great guy that’s soul mate material? It’s a lot harder than winning the lottery! So yes, I do think that I am pretty lucky. Sometimes I don’t even know if I deserve him, because I can be pretty nasty myself too. Like if someone punched me, I’ll make sure that they wish they haven’t done that; and I am often good at it. But in situations like that, he would usually just let it go or would tell me to pretend it never happened. It pisses me off sometimes, but I guess he has a point in not getting things to go worse. But still, I got punched for no reason!
Anyway, I’ve tried to accommodate and just let things go and remain as zen as possible, even though I really do think I need to retaliate sometimes. But then again, if he can accept my flaws, I should accept his “flaws” too. It is only fair as we both want this relationship to work out.
But recently, I found out something that I wish I haven’t found out. He was actually not always this wonderful. In fact, back in the days, he was pretty much the complete opposite. He used to deal drugs and pick fights all the time. Apparently he also had a lot of girls before me; some of them weren’t even his ex’s. He stole a lot of things from people, sometimes killing them in order to get what he wanted…
At that point, I was terrified. I didn’t mean to be such an OCD gf, but I just wanted to know more about my bf! He somehow has a way of avoiding it whenever I asked him about his past. His friends wouldn’t talk about it either. I am curious too, just like any human being. Surely it is normal to find out more about someone I care about? But why did he have to lie to me, if he seems like he never lies? Perhaps something happened to him so he changed to be a completely different person for the better. I can understand that, and surely that is nothing to be ashamed about if that really was the case. But then why did he have to hide it from me, someone special to him, as if never intending to let me know? I thought honesty is the key to a healthy relationship.
I feel like I can’t trust him anymore. If he hadn’t kept it a secret from me and told me about it, perhaps I might be shocked at first, and I might end up reacting the same way. But at least there is a chance that I might give him credit for at least being open with me and acting the wonderful way he is now as a way to compensate for his past. I don’t even know if I actually would do that, but at least there is that chance. And if he did change for the better and I couldn’t accept it, that’s my problem and so I don’t deserve him. But now… well, there is nothing more I hate then being lied to, and so I absolutely cannot accept the fact that he wasn’t being honest with me, especially when I have been honest with him all this time. I am human and humans get angry when necessary, so I think I have every reason to be angry rather than simply “letting it go”. He had a chance, and he messed it up. That’s too bad for him.
Guys. They’re all the same.
Published: December 1, 2011